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April 17, 2013
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Today I want to share one of my deepest insights into human behavior that I always try to keep in mind.

If you learn the 2 rules described and explained below, if you absolutely live and breathe them, you will wield immense social power. You will be able to understand and solve a lot of social issues - including a great many of the threads on the "help with life" forum here on dA. It's because all of these issues are just different manifestations of these 2 fundamental rules. I encourage you to actually learn them or even print them out.

------------------------------------------------

The 2 Rules

Rule 1: "If someone is angry, they are actually hurt. If someone is hurt, they are actually feeling a loss."

Comment 1: Generally, loss means that an expectation of someone has not been met. To resolve someone's anger and feeling of hurt, you must understand their loss and address it.

Rule 2: "Whatever any human has ever said to another human is at its base either one of these two things: A warm/loving thing, or a cry for help."

Comment 2: It may be hidden below many layers and not look like it, but if someone is not warm/loving to you, they are crying for help. It is also not apparent to them, either.

Note: Rule 1 and rule 2 are not separate, because expressing anger is not warm/loving, so it is a cry for help.


Some Examples

Example A: If someone believes in something or knows something to be true, they wish others to believe or understand the same. This is especially true if emotions are attached to it. If, however, they are confronted with other people disagreeing, they will lose the idea of a perfect world or environment, where everybody agrees with them and their feelings. This loss results in their feelings being hurt, which may or may no result in anger, which (if expressed) is a cry for help.

The above example is a highly general one, meaning it fits to an insurmountable number of possible scenarios. It does, for one, encompass all belief vs. science drama that has ever occurred and will ever occur. In fact, I think any drama resulting from disagreements is caused by it.
Below, I give some more concrete examples.

Example B: Tom drew a picture he likes and is proud of. Jerry says it sucks, or some variation of it. This causes Tom's pride, time and effort to be lost. This loss causes Tom's feelings to be hurt. This causes Tom to be angry. Any expression given by him in this state is a cry for help. Jerry can appease Tom by understanding this loss and acting appropriately.
However, there is a common other direction such a situation can go into. Instead of being angry at Jerry, he may be angry at himself, at the world, at the universe, or perhaps at his crappy bed, which led him to sleep badly, which led him to draw badly. How the anger is expressed and how his brain shifts the blame to something doesn't have to be connected to the picture.
Why would he be angry at his crappy bed, when it all started with a picture? How can one understand this behavior? Again, rule 2 comes to the rescue. Tom is crying for help. Maybe he is poor, which results in a crappy bed, which results in a crappy sleeping experience, which results in a crappy picture - in his rationale. Tom may be crying for help about his living conditions and poverty, because it is on his mind and weighs heavy on him, even if it has no direct link to his picture. He is making an elephant out of something else that started small. If someone has a big issue, such as poverty, any little issue that may have nothing to do with it can still lead to it anyway. If there is a strong need to cry for help on the other issue, then the situation will shift there. It is important to recognize this other issue in order to understand Tom and what he is going through. Then you can act the right way and address the real issue. Miraculous things can happen to people if someone manages to follow this.


Example C: Let's say your mother runs a flower shop. Let's say you are planning a big event of some kind and need decorations, foods, and maybe a cake if it's a wedding. There are many companies you contact to provide different things. You do, however, order flower decorations from another shop than your mother's.
Since she runs a flower shop, it is safe to say your mother loves flowers, has great pride in her work and is good at her craft. Putting the right flowers + colors together is an art, too. By not asking her, for whatever reason, example B may take place. Also, since you are her son, additional loss occurs due to her additional emotions attached to you in many forms. She may imagine that you do not love her. This intense additional loss causes an equally intense additional anger and an equally intense additional cry for help. In general, among loved ones, such as immediate family, all responses are increased due to the additional emotional ties.
To resolve any such issue, you must again try to imagine what loss has occurred, then make sure you undo it. You should tell them unmistakably that you love them. If there is a logical explanation, give it quickly and simply. They will not simply take it and need reassurance. Just say again that you love them and be serious about it, and don't forget to smile warmly. Also address their cry for help and ask how you can make it right. If you do it correctly, you will undo their loss, undo their anger and they will likely mumble an answer as to what you could do. It never fails, because you understand the fundamental rule!


Now from a real thread last year on the "help with life" forums, put in simplified terms.
Example D: Alice and Bob are in a relationship. Problem: Bob constantly talks badly about others, especially people that Alice knows or mentions. He also has the tendency to explain things, even if he is not asked. Put short, he has an overall negative attitude and appears to try and elevate himself intellectually.
First: This is not a warm/loving response, therefore Bob is crying for help.
After asking further, I uncovered that Alice is at university and has a good outlook in life, while Bob is a fairly uneducated guy without much outlook in life.
As expected, this fits rule 2. Many people know someone like Bob. And most people are mystified by his behavior. Most people would drop him, and it may very well be the right thing to do for you. However, it is invaluable to understand what is going on. People don't behave this way at random - the two fundamental rules are at work.
There are many things that play together here. Bob is, for example, trying to feel better about himself by talking badly about others. This way, by comparing his imagined worse version of the other person to himself, it makes himself look better. Or, to put it simply: If Bob is a 2 on a scale from 1-10, and Jake is a 9, then Bob will suggest that Jake is a 5 or less, in order to make the difference smaller, so he can imagine himself being better than he really is. This is a defense mechanism in order to protect his own self-image and his own emotions. Bob has lost what he has never had, a good life, an outlook to a great future, and he may imagine Alice to leave him to embark on her own future. This loss causes hurt, which in turn causes anger, which feeds right back into his talking badly about others.
There may or may not be more levels to Bob, but the situation should be clear at this point. Also, it is unlikely that Bob can be helped in his situation, as it is his whole life, education and intellect that causes it all - which is why I suggested earlier that dropping Bob may be the best option for you at some point.


This concludes my rulebook. Feel free to point people on the "help with life" forums or anyone else to this deviation.
And remember, rule 3 says that not using rule 1 and 2 leads to the dark side of the force eventually :) :) :)
The 2 most powerful rules when dealing with social issues.
It's not just about how other people behave, it's also about how you behave yourself. If you find yourself in any situation where you are angry, you can use these rules to analyze your behavior and find a root issue, which you can then address.
Add a Comment:
 
:icongracerain:
Gracerain Featured By Owner Dec 3, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Very enlightening! Thank you for sharing this with everyone!
Reply
:icongreenanac0nda:
greenanac0nda Featured By Owner Nov 15, 2013
beautiful
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:icongwenvar:
Gwenvar Featured By Owner Aug 5, 2013   General Artist
I'm a taoist, and I can completely relate to this. However, you fogetting the principle of survival of the fittest: some people may not seek help, but only want to degrade you, so they won't feel threat. It's not necessarily a cry for help, cuz they don't seek help from you, they seek help from removing you from the universe.

But anyways, it would be cool if more people would understand this. Most people don't, even though this is pretty basic stuff :/.
Reply
:icondigitalalltheway:
digitalalltheway Featured By Owner Apr 27, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
This Tutorial is quite deep. It must be read through a few times, if one is to get its full and true meaning. Thank you for composing it for DA viewers.
Reply
:icondarksilverflame:
DarkSilverflame Featured By Owner Apr 27, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
My pleasure :)
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:iconqueenienirvana:
QueenieNirvana Featured By Owner Apr 22, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
This really fits in with what im learning about in my Psychology class right now as well as my "Help Children with Loss and Grief" class for work. Thanks for the great post!
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:icondarksilverflame:
DarkSilverflame Featured By Owner Apr 22, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Thanks, I'm happy you find it helpful! :)
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:iconsumgie1:
sumgie1 Featured By Owner Apr 21, 2013
Look like some good points. :)
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:icontheubbergeek2:
theubbergeek2 Featured By Owner Apr 20, 2013
Rule 2 can be also an animalistic feeling of beeing threatened.. OR threatening.
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:icondarksilverflame:
DarkSilverflame Featured By Owner Apr 21, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Which is a cry for help.
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:icontheubbergeek2:
theubbergeek2 Featured By Owner Apr 21, 2013
Not always for the later, for sure.. There IS rare peoples who are agresive.

Mental illness in rare cases, by example. (I am depressive, myself).
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:iconartnoob:
ARTnoob Featured By Owner Apr 20, 2013  Professional Filmographer
I could pull the Donnie Darko Scenario.

Interesting though.
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:iconphoenixphlox:
PhoenixPhlox Featured By Owner Apr 19, 2013
Sorry for commenting again... (I rather don't try to imagine your opinion about me after the last comment... if you read that...)

I wanted to say, that this journal was very interesting. Some parts of these things were familiar from my college lessons.
You explained these things well.

The problem is that I doubt that in a real life situation people really can see the things this clear.
It isn't enough to know that there is a feeling of loss behind a negative reaction.

I will talk about myself, because that's easier... so I mean when I talk with someone, and I get some kind of negative reaction... I try to see the reasons, but many times I simply don't have enough information or don't have enough time to get enough information about the other person to really see his/her problem. But I'm still in the situation... and sometimes it doesn't matter what do I say or do, it will become a conflict, and I just end up defending myself or fighting back, because as you would say... I also become hurt... and because that's what naturally comes.

Oh and example C... reminded me of a situation with a friend.
It was similar. She preferred to ask something from someone else, that I could do too, and she knew I wanted to do such thing, because we talked about it recently.

After it, if she would try to convince me that that she likes my work too, or is she would try to prove that we are good friends ... it would make everything worse. It would be the biggest mistake that she could make.
I would think, that she says it because she noticed that I'm hurt, and not because she really means it.
I would think she does it to avoid an open conflict, to avoid the unpleasant conversation when I would ask why did she choose someone else and she should answer.

So I think it was good luck that she didn't try to do this. It wouldn't make the situation better.

I believe that sometimes it's better if we just retreat and don't try to compensate that certain loss. It won't change the past, it won't always calm the people. It can easily seem a pathetic way to simply save our skins. There will be better times to prove that we like and appreciate them. I say it depends on the situation and the people.

I think it's my problem to deal with the fact, that she didn't consider me as a suitable person for that thing. It hurts, but at least it makes me think what did I do wrong, and what can I do to change it.
This task is hard enough without an unnecessary fight between she and I.

I wonder what would you say about this situation, but I have a feeling that I'll never know it...
Sorry again for the comment.

Reply
:iconmartinsilvertant:
MartinSilvertant Featured By Owner Apr 18, 2013  Professional General Artist
I can see how this applies to many situations, but I'm actually missing something. Isn't it quite black/white to only consider a cry for help or compassion? "Cry for help" is probably too specific. I guess the options are an urge to give (compassion, or genuine interest or anything of the sort) and a need (a need for attention, for help, but also just to kill time, which I guess could also be considered a need for attention). With these more general formulations of your rules I think this would indeed be a great tool. If both parties would learn these rules, then it seems much harder for a discussion to get out of hand. I suppose at its core it's all about mutual respect and a relationship of giving and taking. If that balance is distorted, the relationship isn't going to last. Not unless that balance is restored.
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:iconiceluxray:
IceLuxray Featured By Owner Apr 18, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Omg for all my philosophicness I never thought of things that way O.O congratulations you've out-nerded/thought me :D certainly committing these to memory~...so helpful
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:iconmamalucia:
MamaLucia Featured By Owner Apr 18, 2013  Hobbyist Artisan Crafter
Intriguing. :nod: And two good rules of thumb -- provided the person in question crying for help WANTS to be helped, which is not always the case, because asking for help is often deemed a sign of weakness (rule 1 in play here).

Well worth considering and trying out. I'll get back to you on it, after some observations. :nod:
Reply
:icongogreek:
goGreek Featured By Owner Apr 18, 2013
Wise words of wisdom, they were beautiful
Reply
:icondarkangel289:
DaRkAnGeL289 Featured By Owner Apr 18, 2013
This has literally saved my life :P THANK YOU!!!
Reply
:icondarksilverflame:
DarkSilverflame Featured By Owner Apr 18, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
My pleasure!
How did it help you? :)
Reply
:icondarkangel289:
DaRkAnGeL289 Featured By Owner Apr 21, 2013
It taught me how I can understand how my friends are feeling. It's helping me to analyse things I am doing wrong in my friendships and my relationship :) Thank you so much!!! x
Reply
:icondarksilverflame:
DarkSilverflame Featured By Owner Apr 21, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
my pleasure :)
Reply
:iconcskadoz:
cskadoz Featured By Owner Apr 18, 2013   General Artist
this dove-tails with "7 Languages of Love" and the always classic, "How to Win Friends and Influence People" :highfive:
Reply
:iconfortuchanka:
ForTuchanka Featured By Owner Apr 18, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I recommend the book "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz to anyone who has interest in this topic.
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:iconpinerain:
PineRain Featured By Owner Apr 18, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I'm definitely going to ponder more on this...I think you understand people well...thanks for sharing.
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:icondark-black-reaper:
Dark-Black-Reaper Featured By Owner Apr 18, 2013
Add to favourite.
It is some time that I realized that in order to understands really people and their behaviour (that may look stupid, unreasonable ecc), you need to know their environment, their problems, family, experiences... long story short, "their whole story".
And we barely accept the way we are and tell us selves the truth, how can we possibly feel and really get what's happening.

I love the way you expressed some "feelings" and perception of mine, till now mostly confused. Now they have a bit more order.

And I can behave better, understand and help more people around me. Especially friends.

May I ask you...? If a friend explicitly "cry for help", tells you his problem, but doesn't want any help, because "this doesn't concern you" or doesn't want you to choose between him and another friend, even if you are willing to...?
Thanks for sharing again!
Reply
:icondarksilverflame:
DarkSilverflame Featured By Owner Apr 18, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Well, if they don't want your help, you can't force it on them. However, you could argue, since you say they are a friend. It concerns you if there is friendship, since that is what friends are for :)
Reply
:iconsir-herp:
Sir-Herp Featured By Owner Apr 18, 2013  Student General Artist
A "cry for help" doesn't quite seem to be the right term to me, but I suppose it works. Interesting tutorial of sorts! Will ponder this more when I'm fully awake, haha.
Reply
:iconsteelbellatr:
SteelbellATR Featured By Owner Apr 18, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
something seems false in those rules and or examples

i just cant put my finger on it.
Reply
:icondarksilverflame:
DarkSilverflame Featured By Owner Apr 18, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Not fully understanding them yet doesn't mean they are wrong, mind you. These are two fundamental laws in human behavior; applying them to a real situation requires some practice.
Reply
:iconfacade-intention:
Facade-Intention Featured By Owner Apr 18, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
This is very profound. Actually thinking about these before saying anything to anyone ever may take some time, though. Thanks for sharing :D
Reply
:icondarksilverflame:
DarkSilverflame Featured By Owner Apr 18, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
My pleasure :)
Reply
:iconall-star-dude:
All-Star-Dude Featured By Owner Apr 17, 2013  Student Traditional Artist
ho dang, I'm going to put this to use and be awesome :D
Reply
:iconvamp1967:
vamp1967 Featured By Owner Apr 17, 2013
Very interesting indeed. I love all input here. :)
Reply
:iconsoftshellback:
SoftShellback Featured By Owner Apr 17, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
This actually will have me pause about my own behavior...

I have a tendency to behave irrationally at moments where I am supposed to be rational and lucid. I can work through the behavior- it is a response to stimulus from whatever the situation is- the trouble comes from my lack of emotional control during these periods of stress. Hence, I get angry- some of it is from the stressor/pressure point. The rest would be from the way my mind copes with the stress- by lashing out or getting angry. And I do have to admit I have situations where I really am crying for help, and it isn't always forthcoming in a timely manner- so it exacerbates my stress and increases my anger reaction... I suppose I am expressing emotional immaturity or my emotional intelligence isn't as well developed as most others..?
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:icons3crt:
S3cRt Featured By Owner Apr 17, 2013
Oh, i see...
Reply
:iconmmkaay:
Mmkaay Featured By Owner Apr 17, 2013  Student Digital Artist
Sociology in a nutshell! Yay!
Reply
:iconstarclanwatches:
StarClanwatches Featured By Owner Apr 17, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Social situations have never been my cup of tea. I'm an introvert, but a good socializer, just don't find it fun. This is really amazing, human nature is so confusing, so putting it into such easy simple terms that define pretty much any problem is a great help! And for that, I thank you. ^^
Reply
:icondarksilverflame:
DarkSilverflame Featured By Owner Apr 17, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I'm rarely in social situations, usually entirely in my own world. But I understand people better than they do. It's funny how both can be true at the same time :)
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:iconstarclanwatches:
StarClanwatches Featured By Owner Apr 18, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I know exactly what you mean. XDDD
Reply
:iconlucykilledpaul:
LucyKilledPaul Featured By Owner Apr 17, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I resent the first rule, honestly. I get told all the time by therapists and what not that I'm not angry, it's just a result of being sad or hurt. I'm pretty sure I'm goddamn angry.
Reply
:icondarksilverflame:
DarkSilverflame Featured By Owner Apr 17, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Not liking it doesn't make it untrue.
Reply
:iconlucykilledpaul:
LucyKilledPaul Featured By Owner Apr 17, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
It's more when people imply that because you're hurting under all of it you're not actually angry.
Reply
:icondarksilverflame:
DarkSilverflame Featured By Owner Apr 17, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Yes, that's incorrect of them. It's simply that anger is caused by feeling hurt, which is caused by loss. All of it is present at once, not instead of :)
Reply
:iconfantasygal99:
Fantasygal99 Featured By Owner Apr 17, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
It's like a punch to the face:
you're hurt,
but you're also really, really PO'd.
Anger is a response to hurt- and I think it's stupid for anyone to tell you what you're thinking, especially if they say something like "you're not angry".
Yes. Yes I am, but I'm also hurt.
Reply
:icondarksilverflame:
DarkSilverflame Featured By Owner Apr 17, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
If someone says "you're not angry, you're hurt" they are doing it wrong. It's not that anger is actually a feeling of hurt, it's that anger is caused by hurt is caused by loss - all are present at the same time. The rules simply gives a guideline to trace anger back to a cause, so one can do something about it :)
Reply
:iconshannor:
shannor Featured By Owner Apr 17, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
That's a pretty good insight. I'm faving it so I can redirect people to it who might not have this insight. :)
Reply
:iconlitterboy:
Litterboy Featured By Owner Apr 17, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
WOO-HOO, my father is Jerry.
Reply
:icontromacom:
tromacom Featured By Owner Apr 17, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
So (just so I can check I've got it), hypothetical situation has two people Bob and Alice (stealing names here). Bob is going out with Beth, and Alice is going out with Andrew. However both Bob and Alice want to be in a relationship together. Alice is prepared to split up with Andrew, but Bob doesn't want to break up with Beth, putting Alice in a difficult situation.

Alice feels angry at Bob because she feels that, unless he splits up with Beth she has lost the ability to have a relationship with him. In order to express her anger, she says bad thing about him to her friends, who also get angry at Bob (because they are hurt that Alice cannot be in this relationship), and by doing this Alice is expressing a cry for help for someone to make Bob and Beth split up. However she also says warm/loving things about him because she does love him and, even though he is not present, wants to remind people that she loves him.

They're very good rules really! I've always found it easy, in situation with only a few people, to compare behaviour to something like canine behaviour. It's all really similar, especially if people are having an argument!
Reply
:iconshannor:
shannor Featured By Owner Apr 17, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I've always compared human behavior to animal behavior as well - I empathize well with animals, less so with people, but when I view human behavior the same way I would an animal's, all becomes clear.
Reply
:icondarksilverflame:
DarkSilverflame Featured By Owner Apr 17, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Yes, I'd formulate it this way that Alice has lost the future or dream she has had in her mind about her being with Bob. This loss produces hurt, which makes her cry for help. I'd say it's not only cry for someone to help Bob see the light, but also a cry for someone to be there for her and make her feel better :)
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